At the end of January I was asked to give my testimony about my journey with Micah. It was also a way in which to introduce a class that I had become aware of. This year my MOMS group has felt a lot of loss. I was so honored to give this testimony and be able to reach out to and grow closer to some wonderful women in my life. Here is the testimony:

Read 2 Sam 12:15-23

On Jan 12, 2008 our lives were changed forever. Before I go into more about that, I should give you some background. Our oldest (Zane) was born at 29 weeks because I was severely pre-eclamptic. He spent the first 52 days of his life in the hospital. When we became pregnant again in the summer 2007, I was scared! I did not want the same experience. I had also been researching more natural ways to do things. I knew that ever pregnancy is different and they can not predict if pre-eclampsia will show its ugly head in subsequent pregnancies. So we went totally different and decided on a home birth. We were very well taken care of, better than by the OB I had with Zane. We got to 30 weeks and I thought we were golden. There could be nothing that could go wrong now. When we got to the “magical” 36 week mark, our midwife came to the house to see where it was and where all the birthing stuff was. This was Thursday Jan 10. She checked the baby (still did not know sex) and the heart beat was 120. Then she checked me. My blood pressure was elevated and I had protein in the urine. So they put me on bed rest and started to prepare my body through natural induction. On Friday, my midwife and her apprentice, were in the neighborhood and stopped by to check on me and the baby. My blood pressure was still high and proteins high, but my body was responding to the induction. The baby’s heart beat was 120 still. So I continued on bed rest. Well, they came to check on me again Sat. morning, this time my midwife checked the baby and handed the stethoscope over to her apprentice. Neither of them could find anything. So I called David to have him meet us at the hospital. After forever, it was confirmed what we already knew, our baby was dead. I had to call my parents and say “Happy Anniversary! Your Grandbaby is dead.”

Micah Allen Perin was born Jan. 12, 2008 with red hair and tiny hands and feet. He was 100% perfect. Still bigger than his brother by less than a pound. He had quit growing at 30 to 32 weeks, but there was no indication of this.

To say I was in shock was an understatement. But right away I was seeing God’s work. The one that I treasure the most is how our hope that we would see Micah again was so evident, even in this sorrow. You see, the reason our midwife and her apprentice were in the neighborhood was because they had another stillbirth the day before. This was to nonbelievers. Our midwife is a Christian and her apprentice was not. When they were debriefing after a painful and unbelievable weekend, I found out that the apprentice noticed the difference and the hope we had. For she was not a believer. I pray that she did see the hope that we had and this changed her heart, for she was taken about two years ago. The other was in God’s provision. The generosity that poured out for us was unreal. From the funeral home to many of the moms that are or have been in this room and to complete strangers. We were so blessed.

The first real holiday we celebrated after loosing Micah was Easter. I did not want to put on a happy face and deal with people. So we started a new tradition, tye-dying! Yes, that is why Zane is always in tye-dye!

Micah is very much a part of our family. The summer I was pregnant with him my parents came to surprise me for my birthday (July 8). David and my Dad always have to have some kind of project. This particular time it was to dig a fountain in the backyard! It irritated me so at the time, but what a treasure! This fountain is now Micah’s corner. We planted an apple tree there and the boys can not seem to stay away from it. I tell my self this is their way of playing with Micah.

At Christmas my parents always get him an angel ornament and for his birthday they send him a yellow rose for how old he would be, this year we got 4!. David, Zane and I started on his first birthday by going to the Rain Forest Café and making cupcakes and singing “Happy Birthday” to him. We have now added putt-putt golf and sparklers. Zane is very aware he is missing a brother and talks about him freely, even at school.

Well, just like God blessed King David with another son, we too were blessed. This pregnancy was very stressful, on many levels. I was high risk, had to go to a kidney doctor once a month, and started going in for NST and Biophysical Profiles twice a week starting at 23 weeks. At 36 weeks, on my second visit of the week, the amniotic fluids were below 5 cm. So I was given the order to go straight to the hospital. After a very long induction we were blessed with our third red headed son, Cody Michael.

Every day I wonder what it would be like to have three red headed boys. Every day I know someone is missing from our home. Every day is a day I wonder what Micah’s personality would be like and know I will never truly know him. The night that he was born I wrote this: Micah Allen Perin was born Jan 12, 2008. He never felt the pain of this world. He only knew the warmth and safety of his mothers womb. He knew his daddy’s voice and his big brother. There was even fighting that happened. Micah did not like Zane pushing on him. So he would push back! Micah will forever be loved and with us. It is wonderful to know he went from my womb straight to God’s loving embrace.

I thank God for all the ways He provided for me to heal as I walk this road. The first was by having other women who have been walking the road for years or only months before I lost Micah. I knew I was not alone. In fact there were many poems and songs that I found that helped. The first, which is one we all need to remember is Please Be Gentle by Jill Englar:

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim is a lonely one and the shore seams miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to scream and shout and repeatedly as why?
At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away or tell me to get on with my life.
I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal.
Companion me in tears and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor me where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks, and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seam distant and inconsolable.
A small flame burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

This was also the same time that Jeremy Camp’s song, “There Will Be A Day” came out, and Air1 and K-Love played it every hour. But you know, God knew I needed it. Still do and that is when it comes on still. The whole song is amazing and true but the lines that really spoke were “I hold on to this hope and the promise that he bring, That there will be a place with no more suffering. I know the journey seems so long, you feel your walking on your own. But there has never been a step where you’ve walked out all alone.” I know that even when I am feeling all alone, I am not! I have God right beside me and a friend, if I would pick up the phone and call. Again, the pain is so deep that it feels that nothing will ever heal it. Just as the saying goes “a person who looses their spouse is a widow, a child who looses their parent is an orphan, But there is no word for a parent who looses a child. The pain is too deep.”

I know that there are many in this room who have lost a child. Whether it is due to an eptopic pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, SIDS, illness, or accident, the pain is deep. I know that any one of us would have taken the place of the child. Every time I think of that I am also reminded of God’s love for us, for me. God willingly gave his ONLY son to die for me. FOR ME! Why? Because he loved me that much. WOW! And because Christ defeated death, I will be able to hold Micah again.

So…
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry,
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurting when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime.
By Elisabeth Dent

On that I would invite any of you who have lost a child, at any point, to know that I am here to talk, listen, pray or cry with you, as are others. There is also a class coming up at Mission Church starting on Feb 23. It is called “Grieving the Child I Never Knew”. It is based off of a book that I received after Micah died and it helped me. I will be taking the class so if you are afraid that you will not know anyone, you know me. I have more information if you are interested.
This weekend I ran in a race, London’s Run, in honor of a little girl was battling cancer and ended up loosing her battle. While I was waiting for the race to start, I meet a woman whose daughter was just told that she only had a few more years to live, maybe less. In talking we came to the conclusion that it does not matter if you loose your child in the first trimester, before birth, during the first year or after 26 years with them. It is painful, awful and takes a lifetime to heal. The one thing I am sure of is that I will see Micah again, and if you lost a baby (or child that has not had a chance to hear, understand, and accept the gospel) you will to. Have hope, some days are harder than other. But God is our only hope to get through these days and gives us each other to help. To help those who are going through it, remember that birthday, due date, watch your words, for they can cut deeply or help heal. But most of all be there and truly want to know how they are doing. As I prepare for the fifth birthday of Micah, I am spending this year preparing to run my first marathon in honor of Micah. If any of you are wanting to, I would love to have you join me to honor my angel on (near) his 5th birthday Jan. 20, 2013.

Well, we are three weeks into the class and I have realized that I needed to do something to honor the babies of the moms that are taking the class. I normally don't go back and do this because it takes too long and I don't have the time, but I just felt like it was important, especially with most of the moms having the loss so fresh. See I don't like the traditional clothes, blankets, diapers etc to give as baby gifts. I make a birth announcement cross stitch, whether the baby lives or not (most live thankfully). But this poses a problem when someone miscarries. I want to remember their baby, because I believe that life starts at conception, but a birth record does not seem proper. So I have made stepping stones for those who have miscarried. Then they can plant something in honor of the baby they never knew. Well, I have started to make the ones for my group when I got some AMAZING news!!!! Remember this and this, well I am so excited that R and G are pregnant with a healthy baby boy! I was so excited that I went the next morning and bought this. I can't wait to start working on this. I love making these little treasures for mom's-to-be because it gives me a chance to pray specifically for the family and for the tiny little life. Plus, I can't give it to the mom before the baby is born because I don't have the birth day, weight or height.

Boy, with the loss of Micah so much has changed. I use to buy clothes and stuff off the registry. I really hope that the moms who receive the gifts I make them really do cherish them. I know that I love Zane's and Micah's (I am still working on Cody's: was really working on it then got caught up in Hunger Games-another post all together!). So as I am walking this journey, which is life long, I am so honored to be able to walk with other moms and help them and have them help me. The class is taught from the book Grieving the Child I Never Knew. going back through it 4 years later and seeing how things have changed and how much healing has taken place.

Debreif from My Run

So I ran London's Run today. Going into it I did not know what to expect. I had heard it was a great run, for a good cause, and I needed a 10K. Well, the families of the children that Positive Impact have helped were there, along with the kids who are still fighting cancer. Some of the kids are now in Heaven and their stories were told too. I was also able to talk to one of the wonderful coordinators of the run and Positive Impact. I wanted to talk to her to see how to get help, for one of our friends is struggling and in the hospital waiting for a heart (Please pray for Jina, yes this is Penny's Mom). Well, Micah came up and I realized that the run was just as much for him as anything. I was told that there was a memorial poster to put his name on! So wonderful! While waiting to start the race, I met this wonderful woman Rose. Her daughter was just told that her life was going to be shortened because of some medical issues with her Down's Syndrome. We were able to talk and pray before the race and then ran a couple miles together. We both wonder which would be worse, loosing a baby due to miscarriage, still birth, illness after years of having them, anything. We both came to the conclusion that it did not matter! We have lost our children and it SUCKS! During the run they had pictures of the children that have been battling or battled cancer with encouraging sayings. This really helped to encourage me that even if I wanted to give up that their fight was/is harder and running is easy compared to what they are going through. Yes, there was a sign that said "This is hard, Running is Easy". About 3.5 miles into the race, I looked at my watch and realized that I was running much faster than what I was thinking I would. I picked out a lady and hung with her. She was never out of my sight. I was hoping to catch her, but I realized that all I really wanted to do was finish the race in under an hour and ten minutes....I did!!!! It was so encouraging to beat the goal that I thought I would have!

After the run, I got my free food and went to the car so I could make it to Zane's football game. I was so glad to get there. At the end of the game he scored his first points I actually had the camera out and ready. Battery was not dead and I was at the middle of the end zone.

This is what I got. Zane getting the ball!

Then I started to get excited and this is the photo I got of his score!

Yep, this mom needs to have a professional who is not emotionally invested!

Sick again :(

We have the ickies in our house again~ David came home sick from work today (which is very very rare!). During my run this morning, I was just off. My back ached, that dull ache that you know that you are getting sick. And Cody's cough sounded like it was deep in his chest. So I took him in today. He has another ear infection. It has been a while since he had one, but this is his second round of antibiotics in less than a month. At Thanksgiving the three of us got strep. So this time Zane is the one that is not sick (he was just fine at Thanksgiving when he had strep, he was just contagious). With Zane being fine, at least for now, that makes me fear tomorrow. What am I going to do with him all day if I am still icky? Hope that both boys sleep in tomorrow morning and that I get to sleep too. Don't know if that will happen because I have been waking at 4:40 naturally, when my alarm is going off at 5, on my run days. So lets hope that since I am not running tomorrow that I will be able to sleep in!

Pray for Penny!

UPDATE!!! (Wed. 3/31 at 8:30)
Penny had her surgery and is now in recovery. She has a new heart, it is beating on it's own. God is so amazing!
***************************************************************************************
After a very long and trying 8 plus months, Penny is getting a new heart. Please pray that surgery goes smoothly, her body accepts the heart, for fast healing and for the family who lost their child so Penny could get a heart.

Lord,
Please protect Penny during her surgery. Thank you so much for giving her a new heart. Help guide the surgeon's hands and give all the doctors and nurses wisdom. Give peace to Steve, Jina and all the family as they wait through this surgery. Thank you Lord for this miracle.

What, it is Aready the Middle of November?!?!

I can not believe that in a ten days I will have a four year old, Thanksgiving will be here and we will have a month until Christmas. However, that also means that I will be home (Colorado) for Christmas! I am so excited to be where there could be snow and it will definitely feel like Christmas and not Easter.

What has been going one with us? Well, Zane is going to be in his first on-stage production on Tuesday. He will be singing three songs with the other kids in his Camp Central group for the women who are in Stepping Stones (which includes my M.O.M.S. group-very much like M.O.P.S.), we are in the full swing of Sammy Seedlings Preschool and Little Nature Explores. I have really been enjoying the Little Nature Explores. While Zane is off with "Grandma Mia" and a few other 3 and 4 year olds, I get to escape off into the Riparian Area and spend time with God. During this hour most is spent in prayer. This prayer has been powerful and revealed so many different things about God's goodness and love for me. It has also convicted me in areas of my life that need some attention and given me vision of some things that I feel that God wants me to do and I need to listen and DO! Which this is a problem for me. I don't like to start things that I have thought of because I am afraid of rejection.

I have also been do a book study using the book "Power of a Praying Parent," which has been so incredible useful to me, and the leader is the state coordinator of Moms In Touch. So my desire is to start a group at our church. These prayer times have been one of the most powerful times of prayer and I have seen the most changes and answers to prayer during this time. I can not describe the intensity of the prayer when I am praying in this manner with one or two other women about our children. If you have a Moms In Touch in your area, do it! If not, start one. You will not be disappointed.

So, we have been very busy. Nana and Papa are coming on Sat for Zane's birthday, we have two parties for him, our annual ZooLights on Zane's birthday, Thanksgiving, finish up preschool and Little Nature Explores, head to Denver (19th), Christmas, come home, then our 7th anniversary! So ready for life to slow down. I think that will happen when Zane turns 18.

On top of all Zane's activities, David and I have been busy at nights. Our church just got through with our outreach, Life 101. We both had friends come. One of David's coworker, T came to all 6 weeks and accepted the LORD as her Savior on Friday! This was an amazing time. We are also taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. This is definitely worth doing and checking out, even if you don't agree with everything he says. It has caused us to get on the same page and we have set goals and give us a plan that makes sense. Highly recommend it!

That is our life right now. Fun, crazy and exhausting.

Pumpkin Festival

This is one of the traditions that Zane and I have started and this is the third year we have gone to the Pumpkin Festival at the Desert Botanical Gardens. Each year it has gotten better. This year was no exception. We went with some great friends and Grammie and Grandpa (thanks for taking pictures). Enjoy some of the pictures that I took.

Pumpkin Bowling-There were fun carnival games this year!

Hayride to the Pumpkin Patch

Hay Maze to get into the Pumpkin Patch

Throwing Hay

Walking in the Gardens with Grandpa

We had such a great time and this year I think that it was only 90 degrees!!! But it was still so much fun. We are so excited to start Preschool here on Wed. We have missed Ms. Shannon. Zane was so excited to show his friends his preschool. He asked Grandpa for his flashlight so he could show the tortoises! I love watching how Zane is more involved in the activities and wanting to teach others.

We also have a new member to our family! Baby P was born Sat. Oct. 24. She needs our prayers. She was born with MAS and is in the NICU. I know her parents (our cousins) would love your prayers.

You are doing what?

In May I had a garage sale in which I sold a whole bunch of baby boy stuff. Or should I say, summer baby boy stuff. Which left me with the winter things. So I was going to have another garage sale in Oct. Then we got word that our dear friends had hit a huge obstacle that none of us saw coming. On August 4, 2009 Penny Gorman was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that she was in heart failure. She is a beautiful two year old who was healthy up to this point.

In the last two months she has gone though multiple surgeries. She had a Berlin Heart put into her and is now waiting on a heart. Please continue to pray for this beautiful little girl and her parents. Her daddy has gotten sick, pneumonia or Valley Fever (don't know yet) and can not see her until he is given the clear. This is crushing to him, because he can not go see his wife or daughter. They live in Arizona but Penny is at UCLA Medical. Daddy still needs to work so he is back and forth every weekend for the most part.

Right now they are waiting. Waiting in the hospital for a new heart for Penny. In the mean time, she is being prayed for by so many people (See Updates here). So, that Oct. garage sale is still happening, but with a twist. I have gotten a whole bunch of stuff from so many people, along with our stuff and we are going to have a Fundraiser Garage Sale! Save A Penny! I am so excited to see how God is going to work in this. Donate Life America is also going to provide literature, which is only fitting seeing as how this is for a transplant patient.

So this week I am continuing to collect items for the garage sale. Next week, I will organize the stuff. Then on Oct. 9 and Oct. 10 the garage sale will take place. I hope that many will register to be donors and that the Gorman Family is able to see how many people love and care for them. They got a taste at the first benefit, I can't wait to see what God has in this one.

Not Much New Here

It is cooling off here a little, only in the low 100's today! Which is nice. The mornings are AMAZING! I have been going for walks at 6 am along the canal and it has been so beautiful, cool, birds singing and spectacular sun rises. As for life, it is busy. We are able to play outside much more which has helped greatly with behavior. Zane is the a picture of the child that Richard Louv describes in his book "Last Child in the Woods".

Zane has been obsessed with pretending to be a dog, so much so that he goes under the table at dinner, licks our legs and begs for food. He has even gone as far as lifting his leg (luckily he has not really peed!) He even plays ball like the dogs
This reminds me of an awesome e-mail that I received, which of course I do not have. But the gist is a soldier is going off to war and has to leave his beloved dog behind with instructions to the pound to not put him up for adoption unless they are contacted by his commanding officer. There is a note and three balls. The dog is adopted but the new owner does not read the note until she is ready to take him back. Once she does she realizes the sacrifices the previous owner went through. The significance of it is that the dog was ALWAYS trying to get three tennis balls in his mouth at one time. When he finally does it is when the new owner realizes that she now has a special bond with this dog and it is as though the former owner is saying thank you. It made me remember that our troops are still fighting, still dying and still need our prayers. They sacrifice so much for us so we can live with so many freedoms that we take for granted. So I am saying THANK YOU to all military personnel and their families, past, present and future.

For Those Who Live in The Valley of the Sun!

Benefit for Penny Gorman
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Sponsored by Pizza Fusion Restaurant
5735 E McKellips Rd, Mesa, AZ 85215
6:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.
Live music, silent auctions, raffle items
Pizza Fusion is graciously donating 10% of the proceeds of this evening
to Penny Gorman.
Penny, who will be 2 in September, was diagnosed with Dilated
Cardiomyopathy on August 4, 2009. She is currently at the UCLA
Medical Center in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, awaiting a heart
transplant.
Penny, and her parents Stephen and Jina Gorman live in Mesa.

For those on Facebook, there is a group with updates called "Pray for Penny Gorman"

Please Continue to Pray

We got more of an update on Penny. She is still at UCLA Medical and she is hooked up to the "Berlin Heart". She has been put on the heart transplant list also. This is so hard, because not only are we waiting for a new heart for Penny, but that means that someone else has had to say goodbye to their sweet child and made an awesome sacrifice. We still know that God is capable of healing Penny without need of a transplant.

Dear God,
Please wrap your arms around Penny and her family. Give the doctors who are caring for her the wisdom and guidance when diagnosing and medicating her. Please heal her and bring her home to all who love her. Be with her mom and dad as they are away from those who are their support and away from their home. Thank you for providing the insurance needs that were required for what Penny needs. Continue to provide for S and J as they stay in CA.

Amen

Penny Update

In my last post I asked for prayer for sweet Penny. She is needing major prayer. She has been vented and sedated. Last update she was stable but no change. Please continue to pray for Penny, that the Lord heals her and provides the Drs with the knowledge they need to help her. That S and J are having peace and feel God's mercy. The family is truly grateful for your prayers.

Please Pray

I am begging my prayer warriors out there to please pray for our dear friends S and J. As they are watching their daughter Penny go through congestive heart failure. She will be 2 in Sept. Please, please pray!

Praying for Baby Stellan

He is doing REALLY BAD! We need to be praying. God has done such amazing things in this little mans life already and been used to reach out to others who may not know him. Please pray for Stellan's healing, his family and the doctors to have wisdom.

Just Don't Understand

It seems like we are getting bombarded with so many "famous" people dying in the last weeks. Not only are there these people that I remember so well, along with so many others, but I have been hit with the fact that my classmates are also dying. In the last three weeks I have been told about two of my classmates. The first was a very dear friend from middle school, who we hung out in high school, even though we went to rival schools. The other was a teammate. Both were just 33, neither was expected. Both case I remember all the fun that we had.

First is Kyle. Wow! The trouble we got in together and the fun we had. I introduced him to his high school girlfriend (after having a crush on him all through middle school). After a party, I helped clean up his house and there was this lovely tobacco spill that no one seemed to be able to clean. Well, I did. E (his girlfriend) and I went to watch him and some friends play basketball after track one day (different high schools) and she showed me the guy who's chew it was. Well, I confronted him and we ended up dating. There was another time when we were hanging out after a football game and Kyle needed to "defend" me. He was very protective of his friends and is deeply missed.

The second is Laurel. We meet in high school and played basketball together. I think we may have played soccer against each other, but we did not formally meet and get to know each other till high school. We also had some classes together. I remember that she always had a smile and made others feel welcome.

As I think about both of these wonderful people taken from us, I think of their parents. How I ache for them. We are not to be burying our children. It brings back all the pain of having to say goodbye to Micah. As his 18 month birthday is fast approaching all I seem to think about is how I am SUPPOSE TO be seeing how much he weighs, how tall he is, and getting a shot. I wonder if he would be taller than Zane was at 18 months, or if he would be strong like Zane and not cry when he gets his shots.

Please remember these families in your prayers as they are struggling with saying goodbye to their children. Also, there is another family in the prayer request list who's daughter (Kate) had brain surgery and is healing right now.

Kayleigh Needs Our Prayers

This sweet little baby girl is a 1 pound miracle and has defied so many odds. Her parents have done a wonderful job of giving hope to others parents who have had preemies that there is hope. Along with that they have also totally relied on God through this all. Kayleigh had another major surgery last week and all was looking good until yesterday. It is heart breaking. Please go to her parents blog to read more about what is going on.