As I continue to grieve and struggle and see others who are grieving and struggling I am comforted to know that God is good and His plans and knowledge is beyond what I can grasp, or any of us for that matter. Yes, I hurt and long to hold my precious baby boy, I wish that none of us had to feel the pain that we are feeling or travel the roads that we are. I pray for every family that is struggling and hurting right now. I wish that it did not have to be. But we live in a fallen world and for that we must have this sorrow, suffering and pain. Not something that I understand but I know that God's ways are sure.
After Micah died, our pastors wife gave me "Trusting God Even When It Hurts" by Jerry Bridges has helped me to understand a little as to why we must go through these struggles, whatever they may be. Chapter 8, The Wisdom of God, has been the one that I have been focused on. (I have to take this book in very small chunks). In here Jerry quotes Romans 8:28, which many of us know well: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." After reading this, I was thinking, yeah I have heard this, but why do we have to hurt so much. If we would also learn Romans 8:29 we would see that God also says, "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers."
So what does this mean to me. That I have to go through these trials. God wants us to be like Jesus. I don't see any of us living a prefect sinless life, which Christ did live. We have all sinned and fall short of God's glory (Romans 3:23), but Christ did not. And the wages of sin is death, so we all deserve to die. But Christ did not deserve to die, but he did. He died for MY SINS, and yours. Following The wages of sin is death, we read that the free gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord (Romans 6:23). We also see that God want glory in everything and that He works everything to bring glory to His name and to make us more like Him. Hebrews 12:10-13 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.
I do not believe that it was discipline that had Micah taken from us. That is not God. For in Job, we see that EVERYTHING is taken from him. Job does not understand why and does not know what is going on. We know that God and the Devil are at war. We do not know what God's thinking was or why he let it go on, but Job's affliction brought glory to God and made Job more holy. In this last year I know God has taught me many things. I have learned to be more compassionate, patient (which was forced on me when we had a change of plans in the adoption process. Again, I did not understand at the time but am grateful for the action that was taken. It has helped me listen to my heart and understand my desires.), bringing me to people where I can see God work in ways that I never knew, seeing that others are going through rough times also, reaching out to others, stepping outside of my box and doing things that I would not normally do.
I know that God is working on me still but I am praying that I can really hear what it is he is telling me. Understand what his word is telling me and continue to speak God's truth to me. So as we spend time praying for direction and seeking guidance to were we go from here with our family. I am trusting that our adversity that we experience is used to bring glory to God and have people see His grace and mercy through us.