Today's sermon really hit home for me. While I know that a lot of people are going through really hard times financially and are struggling to make ends meet and worried where they will get money to pay the bills and put food on the table. I found myself going to where my fears are and how I am doing everything in my power to control not having to face the fear. Our Pastor's sermon was from Phil. 1: 18-26.
One of the questions we were challenged to ask ourselves is, do we live as though our life is Christ? If we do then we should not want this, wish for this, question why. But we do, and that is because we are human. If we live with fear of something, we are not living as if our life is Christ. For me, I an terrified to become pregnant again. I was so sick with Zane that when they started to induce me at 29 weeks, my organs were shutting down. Luckily, I did not know that until after I was out of the hospital. With Micah, I had pre-eclampcia, but showed no signs until the end. By that time Micah was already in the arms of Jesus. There is no medical reason why my body does not handle pregnancy well. But I do know that many of my doctors have told me that I should think very hard about having another baby.
The second part of the points was that to die is gain. How life and death are connected and that we should not be afraid of death. As he was talking about this, I thought about how many times I have thought about the gains I will have when I die. Not only the fact that I will be in Heaven with God, but I will also be able to hold Micah again. I will be able to kiss that sweet face, see that red hair and blue eyes, hear his beautiful voice say Mommy, here I am! I can not wait for that. I will have my own personal tour guide of Heaven showing me all his hiding spots, walking hand in hand down the streets of gold. How sweet that day will be. I will forget all the hurt that I feel now and never feel it again. The tears I cry will be tears of joy, not sorrow. For there will be no more sorrow.
Today, this section came alive in a different way for me. For as I read how Paul was torn between staying alive to serve and teach about Christ or die to see Christ. I am also torn. For I want to stay and raise my son and serve my husband to the best of my ability and be assured that our family will be reunited. But I also want to be united with my savior and my son I never knew and not feel the pain that Micah's death has left. For only Micah can fill the Micah hole.
I am struggling with what to do. It is something we discuss and the answer changes. For now, we are satisfied in where we are and what we are doing. But the longing is still there.