WOW!

I will let the video speak for itself!

Yes, I left it in till Daddy got home! It is all washable (I hope that is the case for the hair too).

Daddy's Reaction:

YES IT DID COME OUT!

All BOY!

Yes, this is what many dinners are like. Zane has taken to feeding his animals. This is the latest and the funniest. He did actually eat the "Moose Poop". However, he still did not finish his peas!

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one that died, you know.

Don't worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.

I'm already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

the tears that I try to hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending he didn't exist.

I'd rather you mention my child,

Knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say "pretty good" or "fine".

But healing is something ongoing

I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

Peace and Healing

This week has been one of the calmest weeks I have known since the death of Micah. God has put many things in my life to make me fully rely on Him and not on myself (which I have a tendency to do). First and foremost David and I have decided to put pursuing adoption on hold. We are not stopping the adoption but we are taking time to heal, celebrate Micah and spend time as a family. After we had made that decision I felt like a great weight was taken off of my shoulders. We were not expecting the process to go as quickly as we thought. For those we have talked to said the homestudy takes up to 6 months, ours took less than three! We would have been ready to go into the matchbook before Micah would have turned six months. I think that is why I was having so many negative feelings about the whole process.

Well in all of my blog surfing and trying to heal, I have come across some great blogs. The one in which I have gotten the most out of is Kerry's (I have mentioned it before) but Saturday she had a great post with a vivid picture of healing. She too lost her baby girl in January. It reminded me that the true healer is God and that if we don't find time for God and let Him heal us our wound will just sit there and fester and get infected. Where if we let God heal us in HIS time our wound will heal. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds Psalm 147:3 There will always be a scar but over time the scar will fade. But there is always the reminder that something happened.

Some of my physical scars take me to wonderful childhood memories. The wounds that are not visible are the ones bring memories that only I may remember and must let God heal or they are the ones that others forget about quickly and they linger with me. It is a blessing to have two great friends who remember the date of Micah's birth and check to see how I am doing in the mist of their busy lives.

This brings me to the final note that God has taught me this week. Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10. This brought me to the realization that I was not being still and letting God over the last few months. I was keeping busy without getting anything done and feeling overwhelmed. The adoption process was putting pressure on me that I was not ready for. However, God, in His infinite wisdom, has again used it to draw me out and closer to Him. I was reminded of this as I was reading "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, who has also been a source of comfort in more ways than she will ever know. Kathe describes what I have been doing as Missing In Action which is so true and I see it in more ways than I care to admit. We get too busy to grieve, face problems, or what ever. I find that I do this more than I care to admit and other places in my life fall short. I need to step back and let God guide my day and my doings.

This does not mean that I am going to stop doing things, because that would not be healthy or fair to my family, but I do need to wait and let God work in His timing and then LISTEN to Him.

What does all this mean? Well, Zane and I are going to continue to have adventures. We are going to join Sammy Seedlings Preschool, continue to play and learn and grow every day. I am going to try and be a better homemaker (need help in this!) and grow in the relationship with my wonderful husband and lean on God.

Dinosaurs, Dragons, and Bears

This week was David's birthday and we had decided that our presents would be a romantic dinner at the Melting Pot! We had a great evening and were able to enjoy the time without wondering if Zane was having fun or being a trouble maker. Well, I did not stick with the no presents too well. I was at Target and they had some of their animals that I really like on clearance. In particular, DINOSAURS! I had to get all six. They were more for Zane than David, but they have had fun. Zane has started to ROAR and had learned that dinosaurs eat meat--even though we have told him not all do. He just like the reaction when the dinosaur eats our fingers.

We are finally at the point with his bed that I have been waiting for, impatiently. I was able to turn it into a cave. Which has become the source of many fun adventures, and many more to come.

The following pictures are of Zane using the cave as a den!

Surprise Blessing

Today started out very rough. For it has been six months since we lost our precious Micah. I was reading Jim House's blog about how Steven Curtis Chapman's concert went last night and was crying. I knew that I needed to do something where Zane and I could have some fun. So I did! I started Letter Boxing in June and with it being so hot have put it aside for a while. But I needed something. So I found one. This one is near Williams-Gateway airfield. I discovered that we were very close to the airport and walked over. Zane loved it. We saw planes land and take off. We even saw an AirEvac Helicopter.



We went inside and the AirEvac office was right there and one of the pilots was there. We talked to him and I told him our story. He then took us out to the helicopter and Zane was able to sit in it.





For those who do not know. I was admitted to Baywood Hospital at 28 weeks with severe preeclampsia. Baywood is not able to care for babies that are earlier than 34 weeks. So I had to be transferred to Banner Desert. Both David and I were surprised when they said they were going to fly me over. For it is only about a 10 minute drive. Well this is the same company that flew me and Zane to the hospital. I have wanted to take him to see the helicopter and to say thank you to the pilots. I find it fitting that God had us do this on today of all days. God is truly in control of everything, all the time, and in every way. This gave me comfort in a day that started out so hard.



After Micah was born and I was alone I read Psalm 107. Today I find myself drawn back to it.

17: Some were fools through their sinful ways,

and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;

they loathed any kind of food,

and they drew near to the gates of death.

Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.

He sent out his word and healed them,

and delivered them from their destruction.

Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,

for his wondrous works to the children of man!

And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,

and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

Yes, I miss Micah and have shed many tears today, and more will likely come. But I thank God for his wisdom and plans. I will never understand them all and may not like them either, but He has been blessing us in great ways and shown us things that we may have never seen otherwise. Zane loved the airport, got to sit in a helicopter and we shared time with some wonderful friends. Thank you God for the plans that you have for us and that your plans are not our plans. For if it were up to me, I would have stayed home and had a pity party for myself.

REMEMBERING MICAH ALLEN

Double Standards?!

Those of you with children know all to well, the days of privacy when going to the bathroom are a long ways away. I don't know the last time I was able to use the bathroom without Zane in there. However, he does not like me in the bathroom when he is going! There in lies the double standard. He asks me to leave. Thanks Zane, maybe Mommy and Daddy would like to be alone too!

On that note, he is going pee on the potty during the waking hours. Still having trouble with the pooping, but that will come. Night/Nap dryness later also.