This week has been one of the calmest weeks I have known since the death of Micah. God has put many things in my life to make me fully rely on Him and not on myself (which I have a tendency to do). First and foremost David and I have decided to put pursuing adoption on hold. We are not stopping the adoption but we are taking time to heal, celebrate Micah and spend time as a family. After we had made that decision I felt like a great weight was taken off of my shoulders. We were not expecting the process to go as quickly as we thought. For those we have talked to said the homestudy takes up to 6 months, ours took less than three! We would have been ready to go into the matchbook before Micah would have turned six months. I think that is why I was having so many negative feelings about the whole process.
Well in all of my blog surfing and trying to heal, I have come across some great blogs. The one in which I have gotten the most out of is Kerry's (I have mentioned it before) but Saturday she had a great post with a vivid picture of healing. She too lost her baby girl in January. It reminded me that the true healer is God and that if we don't find time for God and let Him heal us our wound will just sit there and fester and get infected. Where if we let God heal us in HIS time our wound will heal. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds Psalm 147:3 There will always be a scar but over time the scar will fade. But there is always the reminder that something happened.
Some of my physical scars take me to wonderful childhood memories. The wounds that are not visible are the ones bring memories that only I may remember and must let God heal or they are the ones that others forget about quickly and they linger with me. It is a blessing to have two great friends who remember the date of Micah's birth and check to see how I am doing in the mist of their busy lives.
This brings me to the final note that God has taught me this week. Be still and know that I am God Psalm 46:10. This brought me to the realization that I was not being still and letting God over the last few months. I was keeping busy without getting anything done and feeling overwhelmed. The adoption process was putting pressure on me that I was not ready for. However, God, in His infinite wisdom, has again used it to draw me out and closer to Him. I was reminded of this as I was reading "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg, who has also been a source of comfort in more ways than she will ever know. Kathe describes what I have been doing as Missing In Action which is so true and I see it in more ways than I care to admit. We get too busy to grieve, face problems, or what ever. I find that I do this more than I care to admit and other places in my life fall short. I need to step back and let God guide my day and my doings.
This does not mean that I am going to stop doing things, because that would not be healthy or fair to my family, but I do need to wait and let God work in His timing and then LISTEN to Him.
What does all this mean? Well, Zane and I are going to continue to have adventures. We are going to join Sammy Seedlings Preschool, continue to play and learn and grow every day. I am going to try and be a better homemaker (need help in this!) and grow in the relationship with my wonderful husband and lean on God.