Sunday, March 29, 2009


I often wonder why I am so effected by other people's families that I have never meet? I found MckMama's this summer while Stellan was fighting for his life before he was born. I think that most who read my blog also go to MckMama's also, so you all know what is going on. Also, many of you are also part of a club that we all wish we were not part of. Those who have lost their child(ren). It was not until last night when a friend sent me this message:
I was wanting to check on you and see how you are doing
as you are praying for Stellan and his family.
I know that it has sent me for an emotional loop this week.
I keep reliving the days of Sophia being at Phoenix Children's Hospital.
I am asking the Lord to keep this family from knowing
the bitterness and pain of burying a child.
How are you handling this, has it had much of an effect on you?
It is very reassuring to me to know that there are others out there that understand what I am going through, how the feelings of hurt, emptiness and longing can creep in without warning. I think that one reason I pray so hard is that I don't want to have any other person to go through the pain of burying their child. It sucks! It is not fair!

Yes, God is in control of all of it and His plan is the best, but that does not take away any hurt. I hate seeing MckMama going through this and watching her baby suffer. It is unfair that nothing that has worked for others is not working for Stellan. So as I check to see if there are updates, I pray that Stellan breaks out of SVT. I pray that MckMama and the rest of the family is at peace, which it sounds like they are, I know that there are prayers going up for them around the world and that is wonderful. I know that God is working out something amazing. But I know for me it just hurts. My heart is breaking into so many pieces right now. Not only for Stellan, but also for Micah, David, Ethan, Larson, Asher, Isaac, Pearl, Cooper, Isabella, Macsen, Audrey, Tori and all the other babies who are in heaven. I can't wait to meet them and hold my Micah again. I am also facing that my granddad is going to be meeting my Lord and Micah very soon. This also breaks my heart.

The update with that is that my dad is going out to KS right now and will be there about 7 pm tonight. My grandmother told him to bring his black suit, which tells you what direction she feels he is heading. They also asked her if she wanted to put him into hospice this morning. He was having a lot of difficulty breathing. I just pray that my dad can get there in time. I have known it has been coming but it does not make it easier. I am so thankful that I was able to go back before he took this turn for the worse. Every time I call my son's name, I will be calling Granddad's name and that will bring a smile to my face. Along with the many other fun times that we had.

Please continue to pray for Baby Stellan and for my Granddad. Thank you for your prayers for our family too.


Suzie said...

I am right there beside you friend. Still praying for your granddad. And hoping that his final days are ones of peace without pain.


boltefamily said...

Praying for Stellan and for your grandfather.

Anonymous said...

yes, yes, amen...i agree, i feel it too, i trust too, i hurt too, i cry too, i agree with you...and so we pray together in a this strange blog world where we have met ones like ourselves. kerry

Anonymous said...

Praying for you all. Much love Sarah xxx

lolit said...

i have not experienced it but i know the feelings because i am mother too, i hate even just the thought of it.i know you have many friends and family who support you all the way.