This is my heart and crying out may be long and rambling. But it is my blog.
My Dearest Micah,
How I miss you and wish I were seeing you eat your first bite of cake. You have changed my life forever. I never imagined that I would be a mother who would have to say that I have two children, one I get to raise the other I will hold again when I am in Heaven. You have taught me so much. I am not to take anything for granted. I need to treasure the gift God gave me in your big brother Zane. That I am blessed to be your mother, Zane's mother and your Daddy's wife. God has taught me that I need to trust in Him more and less on myself. God has also made me realize that nothing is for certain. You are such a blessing to us. I have been able to see God's work first hand because of you. I still don't understand, and probably never will, but your little life has done marvelous things. I have a better understanding of what Gina and Rob are going through, I have meet wonderful women who have gone through the loss of their babies, and you will help in leading your big brother to Christ one day. When we were choosing names, we liked Micah because it was a reminder that none of us are like God. It means "Who is like God?" Little did we know that you would be like God. For your birth was totally unexpected. Everything was fine, your heart was beating strong and then the next day it was not. We had no time to prepare. You had the same red hair as your big brother, but your daddy's chin. You were perfect. You looked so much like your brother. I am a mommy of two little redheads, how wonderful. I know that you are dancing and running in Heaven. You are our little angel and I hope that you look down and smile. I can't wait to hold you again. I miss you so much. I wonder how much you would be doing. How many teeth would you have, would you have started walking, would you be as strong willed as you brother and as active? Or would you have been my "easy" child? I do know that you are perfect and never felt the pain of this world. The pain that I feel everyday, the sorrow of not having you in my arms. How I long to hear your cry, which I never will, for there are no tears in Heaven. One day I will get to hear your laughter and see you run and play. I can't wait for that day. Until then, know that I love you dearly and miss you everyday. I am so proud of you.
I just got through going through some of your stuff. I forgot how small your little hands and feet were and how big the little clothes were on you. Even the preemie diaper was too big. The blanket they handed you to me in, with your poop was the thing that sent me into tears. The blanket that was given to you by your Nanna and Papa, your birth record, the scissors that we cut your hair with and your hair.
On Sat night as I was watching the Lion King, I was reminded again how much I miss you. I know that one day I will be able to take Zane to see Broadway Shows, but not you. I can't wait to have special dates with Zane to see special shows. I loved seeing other children there. But something that struck me was the all too famous song "Circle of Life". Some babies live and others have to die and we never know why. We want to but may never know why God choose to take you from us. I do know that we continue to live and grow, we will always miss you and love you. But for you life came full circle before we were able to watch grow into a man. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again. Make sure to have fun with David, Ethan, Larson, Isaac, Asher, Pearl, Cooper, and all the others who's mommy's and daddy's are missing them.