I can not believe that it is November ALREADY!?!? I don't know about you, but it kinda came up without warning. As soon as Halloween hits, it is crazy time in our home, as I am sure it is in yours. This year it seams as though it will be more so. Plus, as I look forward to the Holiday season, I start to wonder about many things.
I have started to "write" our family Christmas Letter in my head. This is a huge struggle for me. For it is suppose to be a recap of our year. Well, it has not been all happy. If my plans were God's plans (which they are not) our family picture would have four of us, not three. I would be talking about how Zane and Micah are playing, not how Zane's favorite playmates are his mommy and daddy (especially his daddy). Maybe I would be talking about how mobile Micah is, the words he is saying and how we love having our boys in bed with us when we wake. Instead, we are going to be talking about ALL of Zane's accomplishments, which there are more than I can count this year. How God has used Micah's death for things that I would have never guessed or imagined. If it were not for Micah, many of you would not know about our family. I would not have seen God's hand heal Baby Stellan, the wonderful story of Baby Eliot, I would not have meet the founder of String of Pearls (who has given me more comfort knowing that she was there to help my dear friends) and for all the other mommies that I have come to love, even if we do not meet this side of Heaven - Magdalena, Larson, Cooper, Isabella, Isaac and Asher's Mommies.
Today we served in child care before church as the children's parents were in classes. This was so much fun seeing how the kids play with each other and respond to correction. Well, I was waiting for one more family to pick up their children and I see a family walking through the parking lot that was there to serve us after Micah's death. We meet at a different church's MOPS program, for our church did not have one, and they were very involved. Well, things changed and their hearts were not on the same page as their church's. I don't know if they would have ever checked out Sovereign Grace Church, if I had not talked about what our church's heart is and if they had not come to Micah's Memorial. I love this mommy very much and pray that her and her husband will continue to come and learn about our church. For I would love to have a deeper relationship with her. I know that she has a lot to teach me and that we have some common areas of grief but in totally different ways. She could totally open my eyes in a way that I was not ready for three months ago. Again, God's plans are not my plans. Micah's death is opening doors and closing doors where I never knew there were doors.
So the struggle: In the Christmas letter, do we mention Micah's life and death? Do we let people that we communicate with once a year about the sorrow that we went through? Do we bring tears to peoples eyes when we should be having them experience joy. I know that I will mention Micah in the letter, but it is still a struggle. I also want to put a picture of Micah with our family picture. However, on this one I know that there are some who do not want to look at Micah and it would be offensive. This is one that is a very hard one, because some of these are family members and close friends. It is not that they don't want to see Micah, but the memories that they bring back. And that I can respect.
Tomorrow we are having our family pictures taken by a friend who does wonderful work. I can't wait to see how she will artistically capture our family. I have been tossing up what we are to wear. We have these beautiful outfits from the wedding of David's sister or we can wear the Tye-dye tee shirts we made on Easter. Those who truly know me know which I am leaning toward. We will are taking the pictures in our backyard by Micah's tree. So in essence, Micah will be in the picture.
Please pray that I hold it together tomorrow and that Zane cooperates. This is always a struggle. I will be getting some M & M's to help him cooperate, hopefully.